Conflict does not have to be unsafe, unpredictable, or without purpose. When partners are committed to following a set of rules, conflict can be an opportunity for couples to grow their “cooperation muscles.” Handling conflict constructively can even help couples develop greater closeness through achieving mutual understanding, learning to cooperate, taking each other's perspectives, and resolving problems together.
So, what is a good set of rules? The following list outlines some suggested fair-fighting rules intended to help couples handle conflict without harming the relationship.
Here are the 9 rules for fair fighting that we teach in couples therapy;
1. Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset. Are you truly angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument.
2. Discuss one issue at a time. “You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family”. Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We’ve all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome.
3. No degrading language. Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. This will just lead to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.
4. Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them. “I feel angry.” “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” These are good ways to express how you feel. Starting with “I” is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings (no, you can’t say whatever you want as long as it starts with “I”).
5. Take turns talking. This can be tough but be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don’t spend your partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen!
6. No stonewalling. Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved, and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later.
7. No yelling. Sometimes arguments are “won” by being the loudest, but the problem only gets worse, and things can escalate quickly and feel unsafe for both. For many, yelling can trigger a social threat and illicit a fight, flight, or freeze response so it is crucial to be trauma-informed and learn to emotionally regulate.
9. Take Time Outs. In a perfect world, we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but it just does not work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down.
10. Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding. There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument. Life is just too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give and take from both sides). If you can’t come to a compromise, merely understanding can help soothe negative feelings.
Learning to fight fairly can prevent the fights you have from damaging your relationship. It helps the two of you solve conflict collaboratively and grow together instead of apart.
If you would like to grow your intimacy with your partner schedule a consultation to start couples therapy here.
